Week One Down

With week one of the NFL season down, fantasy football is officially in full force.  Like I said, fantasy sports are my muse, the reason I get up in the morning.  Okay, that's a slight exaggeration.  We all know the reason I get up in the morning is to throw soggy Cheerios at the TV while Mike and Mike have a dick measuring contest (akin to two blind guys bragging about their vision).  But yeah, fantasy football.  Revisiting my post from last week, let's take a look at how my strategy (drafting felons and players with hot wives/girlfriends) worked out for me.

Cedric Benson - Ole' Ceddy-Ben hopped up out the cell and turned his swag on in week one, shredding the Browns for 121 yards on 25 carries, capping the day off with a 39 yard TD run.  Let's put it this way, if the Bengals-Browns game was a bar brawl, Benson's TD run was the proverbial beer bottle to the face, putting the Bengals up by 10 with just 18 seconds left in the game.  While Ceddy's first 24 carries were the epitome of lackluster (3.4 yards per carry), he proved once again that it only takes one punch, er... one carry to salvage a shitty day at the office.  His fantasy forecast is bright so long as he doesn't beat the hell out of Andy Dalton's ginger ass to celebrate.  That being said, I wouldn't blame him if he did.  After all, it's just Ceddy-Ben being Ceddy-Ben

Ben Roethlisberger - Big Ben must have enjoyed the Baltimore nightlife a little too much.  I'm not saying he organized another rape-sesh...but he probably organized another rape-sesh.  Let's be honest.  He was in Baltimore, which is basically the crime capital of the US--a city in which he could pin the charges on any number of crackhead hobos.  He probably binged until 4, maybe 5 AM, caught a limo home, got his rape on, pounded a bottle of Cristal to celebrate, then called it a night.  It's no wonder he wasn't ready for the Steelers' 1PM kick-off, and who can blame him?  What avid drinker wants to wake up while the sun is still shining?  As for Ben's fantasy forecast, I urge caution when the Steel Curtain kicks off before 4 PM and after 7 PM.  Kicking off prior to 4 cuts into his drunken comatose, while kicking off at 7 or later ruins the big man's chances of getting seriously soured on some krauts.  Thus, you should probably avoid Rapelisberger next week, even against the lowly Seahawks (1 PM kick-off).  Look for him to torch his liver rather than the Seahawks' secondary.

Jay Cutler - Cut-Daddy came through nicely in week one, throwing for 312 yards and 2 touchdowns against the Dirty Birds.  I would act surprised, but the fact he met both of my selection requirements made him a fantasy lock in week 1.  In all seriousness though, I figured he would just douche around for 2 or 3 quarters then fake an injury before hitting the showers with the hottest (or drunkest) blonde he spotted in the stands.  The fact he actually put up numbers is a bit of a surprise.  Don't expect his success to continue, though, as I believe he is still reeling from the Cavallari break-up.  That being said, if you hear wind of Cutler finding a new cut (if you will), jump on the opportunity to snag him and ride out the hot streak.

Reggie Bush - While Reginald had a weak game statistically (11 carries, 38 yards; 9 receptions 59 yards, 1 TD), much like Cedric Benson, one touch salvaged his fantasy line. With 2 minutes left in the fourth, one series after Brady big dicked the entire Dolphins' D, Reggie made his 9th reception count, launching himself into the end zone from the 4 yard line to bring the Phins within 14 (it really wasn't that close).  He ended up with around 18 fantasy points in point per reception leagues, making good on his 11th round average draft position.  It looks like that Miami strange has treated him well. Unfortunately not as well as Chad Henne (aka the White Mike Vick), who ran for more yards (59) on less carries (7).  Look for Reg to continue slaying unreasonable amounts of ass, but if he gets outgained by Henne again, drop him like it's your job.  That's just embarrassing.

Aaron Rodgers - It was just another day at the office for Rodgers Thursday night, finishing 27 of 35 for 312 yards and 3 touchdowns in the Packers win over the Saints.  That, my friends, is a little thing I like to call a given.  I shouldn't have even included him in my previous post.  He's too good.  While he does date super-hot supermodels, he's doesn't even have the potential to be a scrub, unlike everyone else on this list.  If he and Brady somehow mated (it would be glorious), the offspring would be a 6'3" baby (225 lbs from the womb) with a scud missile launcher for an arm. But yeah, returning from my gay fantasy, I predict Rodgers to continue shitting on the league like he's wearing Pampers.  The dude is just raw...kind-of like his asshole after he straight diarrheas all over $cam Newton and the Panthers next week.

Alright, coming back with some Tyler Bray shit talk tomorrow.  Or maybe Thursday.  I don't know, but it will happen before Saturday.  I might delve into some other things too.  Be good, people.