Bowl Season is Here

And the BCS still blows.

It's never been more apparent that college football needs a playoff. The Mythical National Championship is a rematch that includes a team that didn't even win their conference, for Christ's sake. The rest of the BCS games include the Sugar Bowl featuring two teams ranked outside the top ten that either got annihilated in or didn't play for their conference championship (Tech and Michigan), the Rose Bowl featuring a team who should of, at most, split their conference title (Wisconsin), and the Fiesta Bowl with a team who finished second in their conference (Stanford) playing an Okie State team that should probably be playing for the title (not saying they're better, but they deserve the chance to play LSU). It's awful. While I personally think Bama and LSU are the best teams, there's no way we'll ever know because OSU will never play LSU (...for the championship this season, anyway).

Meanwhile, Boise State, ranked 7th, is going to the MAACO Las Vegas Bowl, 10-2 TCU is playing int he Poinsettia Bowl, Arkansas and K-State (which should be the Sugar Bowl match-up) are featured in the Cotton Bowl, and the No. 9 team in the nation (South Carolina) is playing in the Capital One Bowl. While the BCS has shown strong favoritism toward the SEC in prior years, this year they screwed us like a Taiwanese prostitute. How is it that the 6th, 7th, 8th, and 9th ranked teams all got left out of the BCS? How is it not clear that the system is incredibly flawed and only works when there is an equal distribution of competition in the field? Imagine for a second that we had a playoff this season. Let's say it was an Aussie Rules Playoff, my personal favorite.

First of all, an Aussie Rules bracket would look like this:

No. 1 vs. No. 4
No. 2 vs. No. 3
No. 5 vs. No. 8
No. 6 vs. No. 7

The bottom two match-ups are elimination games. The winner of those games moves on to challenge the losers of 1v2 and 3v4, while the winners of the 1v2 and 3v4 match-ups get a week 3 bye. Furthermore, the highest ranked loser plays the lowest ranked winner.   From there it plays out like a 4 team playoff.  More importantly, there are NO rematches.  Here's how it could potentially go down:

Round 1
(1) LSU vs. (4) Stanford
(2) Alabama vs. (3) Okie State (that would settle the debate now, wouldn't it?)
(5) Oregon vs. (8) Kansas State
(6) Arkansas vs. (7) Boise State

Could anyone complain about those match-ups?  I think it would be hard to argue that these aren't the best teams in the nation.  Let them play and see what happens.  Don't dictate based on revenue production.  That's all the BCS is about, and it is ruining college football.  Take a look at this chart from my research paper on the antitrust issues surrounding the BCS:

BCS Revenue Distributed 2004-2005 through 2010-2011:	$1,021,673,349
Non-BCS Revenue Distributed 2004-2005 through 2010-2011:	$537,337,593
Total NCAA Revenue Distributed:	$1,559,010,942
BCS Revenue as a Percentage of Total Revenue Distributed:	65.53%

How can this be allowed?  65 percent of postseason revenue goes to BCS Bowl participants.  When there have only been 7 mid-major appearances since its inception, that's a problem.  Mid-majors are already second rate in terms of recruiting and marketing abilities, giving top tier conferences more and more money each year only furthers that disparity and creates an uneven playing field.  Something needs to be done.  Hopefully this year's debacle will help. 

MUSIC IS POWER

Yeah, really cheesy title.  I know, but it got you to read this so maybe you're cheesy. Or maybe I'm just talking smack to my non-existent following. Either way, read on.

I realize I haven't addressed the Penn State scandal, but I don't know what to say about it that hasn't already been said.  It's disturbing, disgusting, and disappointing, but no amount of commentary is going to make it better.  I'd rather just let the legal proceedings play out, hope those scumbags get what they deserve, and let the talking heads worry about how to spin it.

That being said, I want to talk music, because as you may already know, three great albums are out: Ambition by Wale, Take Care by Drake and Camp by Childish Gambino.  Unfortunately for Drake, his album leaked a couple of weeks early after he initially pushed the drop date back from October 24th to November 15th.  As for Childish, he has allowed NPR to stream his entire album until the November 15th release date, which is pure awesome.  Wale's album dropped November 1st and has been in my deck constantly since.

These are three of my favorite artists, so having their new CDs drop (or leak) within a week of each other made me happier than the first time I saw Kelly Kapowski (okay, that was actually a monumental day in my life, so I guess this kind of pales in comparison, but you get the idea).

I'm honestly too busy to be doing this right now (I consider this a productive form of procrastination), but I'm at least going to give you a rundown of my three favorite songs from Wale's "Ambition."  I'll try to come back with a review of Drake and Gambino when the semester is over (in other words, a month late, after you've already heard and drawn conclusions about the CDs, ha...).

That being said, here goes nothin'...

I'm really impressed with Wale's second album.  While the track list is headlined by "Lotus Flower Bomb" featuring Miguel and "Focused" featuring Kid Cudi (the two released singles from the LP), the rest of the album is arguably more impressive.  The album incorporates aspects of Wale's road to success in conjunction with the club bangers and philosophical tracks for which he's well-known. 

The opening track, "Don't Hold The Applause," incorporates a smooth piano beat, vibrant kick drums and an uplifting vocal refrain as a background to Wale's buttery flow.  Lyrically, he touches on his accomplishments, including his GQ Man of the Year award for being a "gangsta killer" (a killer of the gangster stigma that has surrounded hip-hop for so long), but also strides he's taken personally such as letting his "wisdom increase" and counting his blessings, realizing fame and fortune shouldn't to be taken for granted--a theme that prevails throughout the album.  This track emanates the notion of "ambition" perfectly, insisting that hard work should be and will be rewarded, one just needs to have a little patience.



My second favorite installation on the album is the title track, "Ambition," featuring Meek Mill and Rick Ross.  It's hip-hop at its finest, in my opinion.  I love the concept behind this because new rap has strayed so far from rap's original "ambition," if you will.  The inclusion of Meek Mill, an underground rapper who hasn't strayed from his roots, epitomizes this.  The beat sets the mood, slow and methodical like the rappers' journeys into fame.  The almost "music-box" like piano blends beautifully with the enigmatic sound effects and faint, but noticeable, strings that set the sound stage as Wale delivers a few slam poetry type bars.

Meek Mill takes the first verse, charting his route to fame, documenting his prior struggles as well as those he still goes through trying to make it from underground to the mainstream.  Wale's chorus follows, ringing through your speakers.  It's not a catchy, "look at me" hook; it just states the theme of the track simply and poetically.  Rick Ross come in next, and while I was skeptical, his voice works perfectly with the track.  It's impressive to hear him take a step back from Maybachs and yachts to deliver a soulful verse.  After Ross, the beat breaks into a soulful piano riff, dismissing the kick drums and strings as Wale takes the microphone.  As his verse builds, so does the beat, bringing back the previous aspects as Wale delivers a metaphor-filled philosophical verse.

Needless to say, I'm pretty impressed with this track.  Give it a listen.



The last track I want to share is "DC or Nothing."  I just love the mood of this track.  It's another string-featured beat, incorporating the violin and electric guitar in addition to a perfectly synthesized choral riff.  The opening violin riff lends a nostalgic feels and is accompanied by the choral chant as well as Wale's seemingly signature poetic intro.

As the beat drops, Wale begins his flow, escorted by the electric guitar.  The song is more or less a tribute to DC, so while I'm not sure I'm the target audience, the special sentiment toward his hometown is certainly not lost by me.  He addresses his position as DC's rap ambassador while reminiscing on the issues, both personal and political, he endured while growing up in the nation's capital. 

I can't for the life of me figure out who sings the chorus (and by "for the life of me" I mean I don't want to go to my car and get the album cover), but I like it.  It sounds like Pink, but she would surely be featured, so I'm clueless.  Regardless, her/his voice sounds almost like a blend of the violin and guitar riffs, meshing perfectly with the feel of the track.

The fact Wale includes an intro, three verses, all equally passionate, shows his not only his love for his city, but his love for the personal that it made him.  Once again, this song complies perfectly with the theme of Ambit



Alright, that's all I've got for now. Like I said, I'll try to come back with a "Take Care" and "Camp" review in the next couple of weeks. In the meantime, I'm gonna get my ass kicked by my BCS paper and final exams. Word.

Bullshit Championship Series

Ok, I'm finally going to rant about the BCS. It's been a long time coming, but after inevitably being forced into working on my neglected research project, I figured writing a blog would be more productive than actually putting time into my paper. So, without further ado, let's talk shit about the BCS.

Seriosuly though... The institution is fucked. The NCAA is dirtier than the shit underneath a hobo's fingernails, and the BCS is just an extension of that. Can anyone name a non-profit organization run by slimier scum than Bill Hancock? Or, a more relevant question: can anyone name a non-profit organization that has cooperating members who get shit on more than the "mid-major" schools? If this isn't about profit, why is there a $110 million TV deal to cover these enormously over-hyped BCS games? I understand the schools need to generate money, but when you say schools do you mean traditional powerhouses or are you actually talking about every Division 1-A school? Apparently it's the former, because since 2004 (when the BCS was allegedly "re-tooled" for the better of mid-majors) the revenue distribution hasn't even been close.

Conference            Millions of Dollars             Avg. per Team (Assuming Equal Distribution)

ACC                           130,230,836                             10,983,324.30

Big 10                        158,778,450                             16,575,597.40

Big 12                        143,778,450                             14,434,404.50

Big East                     130,230,836                             11,981,537.50

Pac 10                        136,230,855                             13,623,085.50

SEC                           154,230,837                             12,852,569.80

Everyone Else           130,171,923                               2,469,386.11


For those without a caluclator (or too lazy to use your MacBook widget) that's $853,480,264 million to the Automatic Qualifiers and $130,171,923 million to non-Automatic Qualifiers. Yeah... While it's almost equally disturbing that the Big 10 has "earned" more BCS money than the SEC (especially considering the SEC has won the past five national championships and seven of thirteen since the BCS was spawned), the alienation of mid-majors in revenue distribution is pretty ridiculous, huh?  Here's another chart, constructed by an economist named Dr. Richard Evans, showing how badly mid-major teams have gotten screwed since the inception of the BCS:




How can anyone say this is fair?  Unless your definition of fair is handing out mushroom bruises to mid-majors, this is bullshit.  I'm convinced Bill Hancock is the antichrist.  Where's Dexter when you need him?

Tebow Time

No one is going to like this post, but it had to happen.

As you have probably already heard (considering ESPN is constantly either slobbing Tebow's knob or punching him in the balls, whatever trend is in), Tim Tebow replaced Kyle Orton to start the second half of Sunday's game, trailing the Chargers 23-10.  His first three drives were lackluster, as he completed just 1 of 5 throws en route to two three and outs, but in true Tebow fashion, he persevered, capping off his fourth drive with a 12 yard touchdown run, bringing the Broncos within 9.  After a rare defensive stand, Tebow went to work again, this time at the San Diego 49 yard line.  After an impressive 8-yard scramble and a short Willis McGahee run, Tebow flipped a perfectly timed screen pass to Knowshon Moreno (or Ghostshon, as I like to call him) who took it 28 yards to the house (watch him just destroy Charger safety Steven Gregory at the 6 yard line), making it 24-26 with 3:30 left in the 4th quarter.  After a failed two-point conversion, the Broncos needed just one more defensive stop.  Instead, the Chargers drove down the field at will, finishing the drive with 3 points and leaving only 29 seconds for Tebow to manufacture a miracle.  While that didn't happen, ee certainly wouldn't go out without some fireworks, including this incredible catch by Brandon Lloyd followed by a 31-yard pass to Daniel Fells, a spike, and a last-second heave.

Tebow finished 4-10 on the day, leaving much to be desired in terms of passing, but more importantly, he looked leaps and bounds better than Kyle Orton (6-13, 34 yards, 1 INT).  In all, he accounted for 117 total yards and 2 touchdowns--the only offensive touchdowns scored by the Broncos.  Watching the excitement number 15 brought to the crowd (and the Bronco offense) has to make you wonder why they didn't trade Orton in the off-season and give Tebow a shot to run this shoddy offense.  Even if he's terrible, the results couldn't be much worse than the Broncos 1-4 record with Orton thus far.  At least they would have an idea about whether a young, promising QB could actually pan out for them rather than throwing the same shit against the wall week after week hoping that it sticks.  I mean, even if it does it's still shit, right?

It just doesn't make sense.  I understand the knocks against Tim, but why not give the kid a shot?  Look what he did in limited action last year.  He had the highest QB Rating of any rookie quarterback (not the first time he's beaten Sam Bradford), threw for over 300 yards in a huge comeback win over the Texans, accounted for over 300 yards (94 rushing) and 3 touchdowns against the number 1 defense in the NFL (San Diego), and most of all, brought some excitement to an organization that has been reeling since Elway hung 'em up.  He may not be the best candidate for the future, but he's sure as hell (er, heaven--sorry, Tim) the best candidate for the present.

He gives the hopeless Broncos hope, and in that sense, I guess he is kind-of like Jesus.

Anyway, time to go brush my teeth.  There may be more of this to come (pardon the pun) if Tebow keeps running shit, but for now, and in honor of Timmy T, I'll leave you with a "God bless" and some pics/video from the game.

Per ESPN.com

Per Denverpost.com... This pretty much says it all.

Just sick.

ESPN.com

ESPN.com

One more time, in case you missed it

Sweet Baby Jesus... Vegas.

Finally shaking off the Vegas hangover, so I guess I'll give my thoughts on Sin City.

Avoid it like the plague.

Let me rephrase that:  If you don't have at least 10 stacks ($10,000 USD) you would happily put into a paper shredder, Vegas isn't the city for you.

Maybe I'm exaggerating, but fun in Sin City certainly isn't cheap.  And by fun I mean misery. 

Maybe we fucked up (okay, we definitely fucked up).  Maybe not hangover bad, but between four college students we managed to squander over 5 grand.  Yeah, that's an average of a thousand a day. The sad part is, we didn't even have money to lose the last two days. It was literally all we could do to get home.

That being said, Vegas is exciting.  Aaaand by exciting I mean dirtier than a 2 cent hooker with more STD's than brain cells.

From the moment you arrive a haze of sex and debauchery hits you like a Charles Barkley tee shot. Sounds great, right?  Not really.  Most of your time on the streets is spent fending off hoards of illegal immigrants armed with stacks of call girl cards as tall as the MGM Grand.  If you manage to ignore that aspect, you'll still be confronted by the sleaziest, slimiest club promoters on the planet promising sex and grandeur at their shit strip club filled with more c-section scars than ass cheeks (don't ask me how it's possible--it just is).

I'm sure you're asking, "But it's Vegas! There had to be some redeeming qualities, right?"

The answer? Not really. Unless by redeeming you mean unbelievably disappointing, and in that case, yes. There were plenty of "redeeming" qualities.

The Pawn Stars pawn shop, for instance.  You know, the trendy show about a family owned Vegas pawn shop where ridiculously rare and valuable, as well as just plain ridiculous, items are brought in and sold by your everyday street walker?  Yeah.  That place blows.  There never fails to be 80 or so Pawn Stars fan boys (well, mostly old women) waiting in line to get into the crackerjack box sized store only to realize the coolest shit in there is a t-shirt depicting Chumlee as Scarface (That one is actually a lot funnier--and cheaper--than the legit version. You're welcome.).  They only had like three items from the show in the store, and needless to say, none of those sandbagging pawn star bastards were anywhere to be found.  Fuckers.

Taken by yours truly.

In all seriousness, though, Vegas was a decently cool experience.  If nothing else, it was worth seeing.  I guess the biggest problem I had with it was that from the second you arrived you just felt like a sucker.  Like you were had.  So you can imagine what we felt like by the end of the trip.  Probably a good bit like Allen when he realized the drugs he bought from the straight shooter at the liquor store were roofies instead of ecstasy.  Definitely not what I expected.


The drug dealer at the liquor store wasn't a good guy


Anyway, without further ado, I'll reluctantly post my pictures from the trip.  I say reluctantly because the pictures make it seem 1000 times better than the reality of it.  Oh well.

At least we arrived in class...

Bellagio

Donald Trump by Mac Miller fittingly playing in the background.

Eiffel Tower Restaurant

"I know you probably get this all the time, but... is this the real Caesar's Palace?"

Hotel Paris

New York, New York

New York, New York Casino

Arias

Why hello, Mr. Poppageorgio.  Welcome to the Golden Nugget.

I guess what happens in Vegas doesn't necessarily stay in Vegas. Just your money and your soul.

Fall Break

Welp, I'm heading to Vegas for fall break, running around the desert looking for strippers and cocaine. But seriously, my upcoming trip and my generally pessimistic nature got me thinking about the worst things that could happen.  Who knows, maybe if I air them out, they can be avoided?  Or maybe I've just called upon a shitstorm from the cosmic universe.  We'll hope for the prior.  Anyway, the show must go on.  Here's what I came up with:

1.  The airport mistakes my bag with an Elvis impersonator's, forcing me to dress like Nick Cage in "Honeymoon in Vegas" all week.  Then again, I'm not sure what would be worse, dressing like Elvis or falling in love with a woman who looks like a foot (or maybe a horse).

On second thought, I'll rock the shit out of an Elvis suit.

2.  My face looks like this at any point.  Needless to say, if I'm balls deep in mescaline, something has gone horribly wrong...or right depending on how you view the situation.  Either way, here's to hoping there's no fear and loathing in Las Vegas.  Seriously, I'd rather wake up married to a hooker than to spend my weekend "right in the middle of a fucking reptile zoo," watching "two women fucking a polar bear."  Thanks for quotes, Johnny Depp, but I'll play Toby Maguire's role in this one.

Is this before the spider bite, or...?

3.  My friend's fiancee's brother roofies everyone, leading to a night of debauchery in which one of us marries a hooker, we steal a cop car, kidnap a naked asian, steal Mike Tyson's tiger, lose our bestfriend, and nearly miss the big wedding.  Oh...right... That's the plot of The Hangover... This is awkward.

Mr. Burgundy, you have a massive erection.

Anyway, that's all I got.  I guess there's no better way to finish this off than with another Fear and Loathing quote, so...

"You better take care of me, Lord. If you don't, you're gonna have me on your hands."

Addendum 1: How is it that I get a picture of this when searching "Zack Galifianakis peeing in Tyson's pool"? (The only reason a searched it was to link with stealing Tyson's tiger... I swear.)

Addendum 2: More pictures of Sarah Jessica Parker looking like a foot.

Money.

Fucking identical!

Alright! Have a good one, guys. Hopefully you'll hear from me after Vegas, but I can't promise anything...



Vegas!

Week One Down

With week one of the NFL season down, fantasy football is officially in full force.  Like I said, fantasy sports are my muse, the reason I get up in the morning.  Okay, that's a slight exaggeration.  We all know the reason I get up in the morning is to throw soggy Cheerios at the TV while Mike and Mike have a dick measuring contest (akin to two blind guys bragging about their vision).  But yeah, fantasy football.  Revisiting my post from last week, let's take a look at how my strategy (drafting felons and players with hot wives/girlfriends) worked out for me.

Cedric Benson - Ole' Ceddy-Ben hopped up out the cell and turned his swag on in week one, shredding the Browns for 121 yards on 25 carries, capping the day off with a 39 yard TD run.  Let's put it this way, if the Bengals-Browns game was a bar brawl, Benson's TD run was the proverbial beer bottle to the face, putting the Bengals up by 10 with just 18 seconds left in the game.  While Ceddy's first 24 carries were the epitome of lackluster (3.4 yards per carry), he proved once again that it only takes one punch, er... one carry to salvage a shitty day at the office.  His fantasy forecast is bright so long as he doesn't beat the hell out of Andy Dalton's ginger ass to celebrate.  That being said, I wouldn't blame him if he did.  After all, it's just Ceddy-Ben being Ceddy-Ben

Ben Roethlisberger - Big Ben must have enjoyed the Baltimore nightlife a little too much.  I'm not saying he organized another rape-sesh...but he probably organized another rape-sesh.  Let's be honest.  He was in Baltimore, which is basically the crime capital of the US--a city in which he could pin the charges on any number of crackhead hobos.  He probably binged until 4, maybe 5 AM, caught a limo home, got his rape on, pounded a bottle of Cristal to celebrate, then called it a night.  It's no wonder he wasn't ready for the Steelers' 1PM kick-off, and who can blame him?  What avid drinker wants to wake up while the sun is still shining?  As for Ben's fantasy forecast, I urge caution when the Steel Curtain kicks off before 4 PM and after 7 PM.  Kicking off prior to 4 cuts into his drunken comatose, while kicking off at 7 or later ruins the big man's chances of getting seriously soured on some krauts.  Thus, you should probably avoid Rapelisberger next week, even against the lowly Seahawks (1 PM kick-off).  Look for him to torch his liver rather than the Seahawks' secondary.

Jay Cutler - Cut-Daddy came through nicely in week one, throwing for 312 yards and 2 touchdowns against the Dirty Birds.  I would act surprised, but the fact he met both of my selection requirements made him a fantasy lock in week 1.  In all seriousness though, I figured he would just douche around for 2 or 3 quarters then fake an injury before hitting the showers with the hottest (or drunkest) blonde he spotted in the stands.  The fact he actually put up numbers is a bit of a surprise.  Don't expect his success to continue, though, as I believe he is still reeling from the Cavallari break-up.  That being said, if you hear wind of Cutler finding a new cut (if you will), jump on the opportunity to snag him and ride out the hot streak.

Reggie Bush - While Reginald had a weak game statistically (11 carries, 38 yards; 9 receptions 59 yards, 1 TD), much like Cedric Benson, one touch salvaged his fantasy line. With 2 minutes left in the fourth, one series after Brady big dicked the entire Dolphins' D, Reggie made his 9th reception count, launching himself into the end zone from the 4 yard line to bring the Phins within 14 (it really wasn't that close).  He ended up with around 18 fantasy points in point per reception leagues, making good on his 11th round average draft position.  It looks like that Miami strange has treated him well. Unfortunately not as well as Chad Henne (aka the White Mike Vick), who ran for more yards (59) on less carries (7).  Look for Reg to continue slaying unreasonable amounts of ass, but if he gets outgained by Henne again, drop him like it's your job.  That's just embarrassing.

Aaron Rodgers - It was just another day at the office for Rodgers Thursday night, finishing 27 of 35 for 312 yards and 3 touchdowns in the Packers win over the Saints.  That, my friends, is a little thing I like to call a given.  I shouldn't have even included him in my previous post.  He's too good.  While he does date super-hot supermodels, he's doesn't even have the potential to be a scrub, unlike everyone else on this list.  If he and Brady somehow mated (it would be glorious), the offspring would be a 6'3" baby (225 lbs from the womb) with a scud missile launcher for an arm. But yeah, returning from my gay fantasy, I predict Rodgers to continue shitting on the league like he's wearing Pampers.  The dude is just raw...kind-of like his asshole after he straight diarrheas all over $cam Newton and the Panthers next week.

Alright, coming back with some Tyler Bray shit talk tomorrow.  Or maybe Thursday.  I don't know, but it will happen before Saturday.  I might delve into some other things too.  Be good, people.

Dear Diary...

During this post-adolescent, pre-adult stage I'm stuck in, I find myself constantly searching for something to hold on to (shout out to Jay Electronica), struggling to understand what I want to be and what I'm capable of accomplishing.  I fight conflicting emotions, debating whether I should maintain a moralistic façade or shed it in order to attain a deeper understanding of myself.

When someone close told me my last post was crude and unrepresentative of me, I took a step back (hence my hiatus), wondering whether I should consider going a different direction or just end this venture altogether.  After a couple of re-reads and consulting with friends and family further, I realized there was a reason for what I posted (crude or not), and that the people who judge me strictly from a satirical blog post aren't worth my time anyway--even if those people are my future employers (yikes).

I know who I am despite not knowing who I am going to be.  Although I don't have most things figured out, I'm working on it.   If I piss a few people off along the way, so be it.  Life is about more than always being politically correct--or politically incorrect, for that matter.  It's about balance, something I really need to work on.

With that being said, I'm going to try to maintain balance with my posts in both frequency and subject matter.  Hopefully you'll learn a little bit more about me (the light and dark sides), but most importantly, I hope you're entertained.  I'll step off my soapbox now and let you know that in the coming days I will be bashing Tyler Bray, reviewing the first week of fantasy football, and finally delving into the BCS project I've been neglecting.

Let 'em know!

Fireworks, Fantasy Football, and Fucking Lou Holtz

Well, as the Labor Day weekend hangover wears off and the billowing Boomsday smoke resides (that's got to be good for Knoxville's already incredibly shitty air quality), I'd like to focus on how big of a moron Lou Holtz is.  Seriously...  How the hell did this guy: 1) win a national championship, and 2) retain ANY credibility after committing major violation after major violation at both Notre Dame and South Carolina?  Okay, so I guess I answered number one, but the fact ESPN still allows him to spew (literally) rainbows up Notre Dame's ass every year is beyond me.



In this year's Irish Car Bomb Bowl--Notre Dame's first game of the season--the Fighting Irish (ranked 16th preseason) laid an egg so golden Veruca Salt is begging her daddy to buy Brian Kelly and Dayne Crist.  For real though... We thought back-to-back losses to Navy and Tulsa last year was bad, but this may take the cake.  As you probably already know, the University of South Florida Bulls (unranked), led by one of the most inconsistent QBs in the nation (BJ Daniels), marched into South Bend and left victorious despite gaining roughly half as many total yards as the Irish.  Three interceptions and two fumbles derailed the Dame Train, and seemingly dashed their BCS-bowl hopes, yet Lou Holtz remains steadfast in predicting Notre Dame to a BCS game.  This is like the 5th straight year that decrepit clown has picked his beloved Irish to make a BCS bowl despite the fact they haven't sniffed a meaningful game since Brady Quinn was sniffing Lindy Slinger's soccer shorts.

This guy is a joke.  I'd rather hear Kim Kardashian make college football picks, at least her voice is slightly less irritating and her opinion is undoubtedly more valid than "Dr. Lou's." With as much talent as she's slept with, she should be a scout.  Back to the point, every time I hear Lou's lisp, I die a little bit inside.  If a cigarette takes 7 minutes off your life, hearing him speak has to be at least 3 times that.  If death had a retarded brother... Oh wait, it does: Lou Holtz.  Can you even imagine that old fogey as the head coach of the program you root for?  Even worse, playing for that dementia-ridden jester (no offense to Pathead.)?  But yeah, in case you didn't get the point, fuck that guy.

Okay, now that I've aired that out like Brantley into triple coverage, let's talk Fantasy Football.  Among my few passions in life are fantasy sports (yeah, it's that bad).  I have three teams this year, two of which I may or may not be illegally gambling on, so I'm heavily invested.  Instead of listing my rosters and in turn embarrassing fantasy owners across the globe (well, the 1 or 2 that look at my blog), I'll just post some criteria I look for in my fantasy footballers.

Number one criterion: They gots to keep it real.  I don't give a shit what they perform like if they're not mobbin' in the clubs and committing felonies during the rest of their spare time.  So, without further ado:

1.  Cedric Benson - The dude just got released from jail for his involvement in three bar fights in the past 9 months (or something like that), most recently fucking his boy Clavens Charles up royally. If shit goes down, I want Ceddy Ben on my side. Plus, in the off-chance that he reads this, he may show me favor rather than pummeling me like Tyson in his prime.

2.  Ben Roethlisberger - Let's be honest, the dude knows how to party.  How else do you garner the nickname "Rapelisberger"?  And considering his most recent rape-sesh went down in Georgia, he's probably a fan of the south, so he's got that going for him.  While your chances of landing consensual sex are probably considerably lower having hung out with Ben, your chances of drinking "like a champion" increase dramatically.

Today and everyday, Ben.

3.  Jay Cutler - As big of a douchebag as there is, Cut-Daddy (as I like to call him) keeps it real, fa' real.  As a four star quarterback in high school, Cutler decided to take his talents to Vandy, but not for the same reasons Bron went to Miami.  Rather the opposite, in fact.  He chose to slay ass and get a great education rather than compete for playing time and win meaningful games.  It would be a tough choice, but I think Cutty-cut (aka "Cut-Daddy") made the right decision.  He now starts at QB for the Chicago Bears and has dated the likes of Kristin Cavallari.  Not too shabby.

Which leads me into my second criterion: Hot wife/girlfriend.  Don't get me wrong, I like to win, but I would much rather sleep soundly at night knowing my starting QB is railing a 10.

1.  Jay Cutler - As discussed above, Cutler has been linked to former Laguna Beach star Kristin Cavallari.  The chick is banging hot, seems to have a good sense of humor, and is probably richer than Cutler.  While their recent break-up may seem to hurt Cutler's cred, to me it only seems to support my selection of Cutler in the "Keeps it Real" category.  With his drinking habits, he's sure to meet another blonde bombshell to bonk.  Look for him to bounce back nicely.

2.  Reggie Bush - The Reg (pronounced re-j, I think) only tags the finest tail...even if Ray J got there first.  Who cares though?  When we're talking about women the caliber of Kim K, Claudia Sampedro, and my personal favorite, country singer Jessie James (hopefully she's more talented than Kim), who cares who has run through them?  Every dude they've had sex with is better than you anyway.  Consider yourself lucky.  Anyway, Reggie is primed to smash more strange than ever as he leaves the N.O. for the vag buffet that is Miami.

3.  Aaron Rodgers - Rodgers has allegedly been dating Sports Illustrated supermodel Julie Henderson.  While that's awesome, it really doesn't matter who his current beat is considering he's a Super Bowl winning QB who could slam any piece of tail on the planet.  That makes Rodgers a sure bet for fantasy leagues.  Even if he and Henderson split, another dime-piece will be waiting in the wings.  Ala Greg Jennings to his Donald Driver, or James Starks to his Ryan Grant.  Someone will emerge, and Rodgers will score.

Alright, well that's all I got.

All Photos credited to Google image search.