Fall Break

Welp, I'm heading to Vegas for fall break, running around the desert looking for strippers and cocaine. But seriously, my upcoming trip and my generally pessimistic nature got me thinking about the worst things that could happen.  Who knows, maybe if I air them out, they can be avoided?  Or maybe I've just called upon a shitstorm from the cosmic universe.  We'll hope for the prior.  Anyway, the show must go on.  Here's what I came up with:

1.  The airport mistakes my bag with an Elvis impersonator's, forcing me to dress like Nick Cage in "Honeymoon in Vegas" all week.  Then again, I'm not sure what would be worse, dressing like Elvis or falling in love with a woman who looks like a foot (or maybe a horse).

On second thought, I'll rock the shit out of an Elvis suit.

2.  My face looks like this at any point.  Needless to say, if I'm balls deep in mescaline, something has gone horribly wrong...or right depending on how you view the situation.  Either way, here's to hoping there's no fear and loathing in Las Vegas.  Seriously, I'd rather wake up married to a hooker than to spend my weekend "right in the middle of a fucking reptile zoo," watching "two women fucking a polar bear."  Thanks for quotes, Johnny Depp, but I'll play Toby Maguire's role in this one.

Is this before the spider bite, or...?

3.  My friend's fiancee's brother roofies everyone, leading to a night of debauchery in which one of us marries a hooker, we steal a cop car, kidnap a naked asian, steal Mike Tyson's tiger, lose our bestfriend, and nearly miss the big wedding.  Oh...right... That's the plot of The Hangover... This is awkward.

Mr. Burgundy, you have a massive erection.

Anyway, that's all I got.  I guess there's no better way to finish this off than with another Fear and Loathing quote, so...

"You better take care of me, Lord. If you don't, you're gonna have me on your hands."

Addendum 1: How is it that I get a picture of this when searching "Zack Galifianakis peeing in Tyson's pool"? (The only reason a searched it was to link with stealing Tyson's tiger... I swear.)

Addendum 2: More pictures of Sarah Jessica Parker looking like a foot.

Money.

Fucking identical!

Alright! Have a good one, guys. Hopefully you'll hear from me after Vegas, but I can't promise anything...



Vegas!

Week One Down

With week one of the NFL season down, fantasy football is officially in full force.  Like I said, fantasy sports are my muse, the reason I get up in the morning.  Okay, that's a slight exaggeration.  We all know the reason I get up in the morning is to throw soggy Cheerios at the TV while Mike and Mike have a dick measuring contest (akin to two blind guys bragging about their vision).  But yeah, fantasy football.  Revisiting my post from last week, let's take a look at how my strategy (drafting felons and players with hot wives/girlfriends) worked out for me.

Cedric Benson - Ole' Ceddy-Ben hopped up out the cell and turned his swag on in week one, shredding the Browns for 121 yards on 25 carries, capping the day off with a 39 yard TD run.  Let's put it this way, if the Bengals-Browns game was a bar brawl, Benson's TD run was the proverbial beer bottle to the face, putting the Bengals up by 10 with just 18 seconds left in the game.  While Ceddy's first 24 carries were the epitome of lackluster (3.4 yards per carry), he proved once again that it only takes one punch, er... one carry to salvage a shitty day at the office.  His fantasy forecast is bright so long as he doesn't beat the hell out of Andy Dalton's ginger ass to celebrate.  That being said, I wouldn't blame him if he did.  After all, it's just Ceddy-Ben being Ceddy-Ben

Ben Roethlisberger - Big Ben must have enjoyed the Baltimore nightlife a little too much.  I'm not saying he organized another rape-sesh...but he probably organized another rape-sesh.  Let's be honest.  He was in Baltimore, which is basically the crime capital of the US--a city in which he could pin the charges on any number of crackhead hobos.  He probably binged until 4, maybe 5 AM, caught a limo home, got his rape on, pounded a bottle of Cristal to celebrate, then called it a night.  It's no wonder he wasn't ready for the Steelers' 1PM kick-off, and who can blame him?  What avid drinker wants to wake up while the sun is still shining?  As for Ben's fantasy forecast, I urge caution when the Steel Curtain kicks off before 4 PM and after 7 PM.  Kicking off prior to 4 cuts into his drunken comatose, while kicking off at 7 or later ruins the big man's chances of getting seriously soured on some krauts.  Thus, you should probably avoid Rapelisberger next week, even against the lowly Seahawks (1 PM kick-off).  Look for him to torch his liver rather than the Seahawks' secondary.

Jay Cutler - Cut-Daddy came through nicely in week one, throwing for 312 yards and 2 touchdowns against the Dirty Birds.  I would act surprised, but the fact he met both of my selection requirements made him a fantasy lock in week 1.  In all seriousness though, I figured he would just douche around for 2 or 3 quarters then fake an injury before hitting the showers with the hottest (or drunkest) blonde he spotted in the stands.  The fact he actually put up numbers is a bit of a surprise.  Don't expect his success to continue, though, as I believe he is still reeling from the Cavallari break-up.  That being said, if you hear wind of Cutler finding a new cut (if you will), jump on the opportunity to snag him and ride out the hot streak.

Reggie Bush - While Reginald had a weak game statistically (11 carries, 38 yards; 9 receptions 59 yards, 1 TD), much like Cedric Benson, one touch salvaged his fantasy line. With 2 minutes left in the fourth, one series after Brady big dicked the entire Dolphins' D, Reggie made his 9th reception count, launching himself into the end zone from the 4 yard line to bring the Phins within 14 (it really wasn't that close).  He ended up with around 18 fantasy points in point per reception leagues, making good on his 11th round average draft position.  It looks like that Miami strange has treated him well. Unfortunately not as well as Chad Henne (aka the White Mike Vick), who ran for more yards (59) on less carries (7).  Look for Reg to continue slaying unreasonable amounts of ass, but if he gets outgained by Henne again, drop him like it's your job.  That's just embarrassing.

Aaron Rodgers - It was just another day at the office for Rodgers Thursday night, finishing 27 of 35 for 312 yards and 3 touchdowns in the Packers win over the Saints.  That, my friends, is a little thing I like to call a given.  I shouldn't have even included him in my previous post.  He's too good.  While he does date super-hot supermodels, he's doesn't even have the potential to be a scrub, unlike everyone else on this list.  If he and Brady somehow mated (it would be glorious), the offspring would be a 6'3" baby (225 lbs from the womb) with a scud missile launcher for an arm. But yeah, returning from my gay fantasy, I predict Rodgers to continue shitting on the league like he's wearing Pampers.  The dude is just raw...kind-of like his asshole after he straight diarrheas all over $cam Newton and the Panthers next week.

Alright, coming back with some Tyler Bray shit talk tomorrow.  Or maybe Thursday.  I don't know, but it will happen before Saturday.  I might delve into some other things too.  Be good, people.

Dear Diary...

During this post-adolescent, pre-adult stage I'm stuck in, I find myself constantly searching for something to hold on to (shout out to Jay Electronica), struggling to understand what I want to be and what I'm capable of accomplishing.  I fight conflicting emotions, debating whether I should maintain a moralistic façade or shed it in order to attain a deeper understanding of myself.

When someone close told me my last post was crude and unrepresentative of me, I took a step back (hence my hiatus), wondering whether I should consider going a different direction or just end this venture altogether.  After a couple of re-reads and consulting with friends and family further, I realized there was a reason for what I posted (crude or not), and that the people who judge me strictly from a satirical blog post aren't worth my time anyway--even if those people are my future employers (yikes).

I know who I am despite not knowing who I am going to be.  Although I don't have most things figured out, I'm working on it.   If I piss a few people off along the way, so be it.  Life is about more than always being politically correct--or politically incorrect, for that matter.  It's about balance, something I really need to work on.

With that being said, I'm going to try to maintain balance with my posts in both frequency and subject matter.  Hopefully you'll learn a little bit more about me (the light and dark sides), but most importantly, I hope you're entertained.  I'll step off my soapbox now and let you know that in the coming days I will be bashing Tyler Bray, reviewing the first week of fantasy football, and finally delving into the BCS project I've been neglecting.

Let 'em know!

Fireworks, Fantasy Football, and Fucking Lou Holtz

Well, as the Labor Day weekend hangover wears off and the billowing Boomsday smoke resides (that's got to be good for Knoxville's already incredibly shitty air quality), I'd like to focus on how big of a moron Lou Holtz is.  Seriously...  How the hell did this guy: 1) win a national championship, and 2) retain ANY credibility after committing major violation after major violation at both Notre Dame and South Carolina?  Okay, so I guess I answered number one, but the fact ESPN still allows him to spew (literally) rainbows up Notre Dame's ass every year is beyond me.



In this year's Irish Car Bomb Bowl--Notre Dame's first game of the season--the Fighting Irish (ranked 16th preseason) laid an egg so golden Veruca Salt is begging her daddy to buy Brian Kelly and Dayne Crist.  For real though... We thought back-to-back losses to Navy and Tulsa last year was bad, but this may take the cake.  As you probably already know, the University of South Florida Bulls (unranked), led by one of the most inconsistent QBs in the nation (BJ Daniels), marched into South Bend and left victorious despite gaining roughly half as many total yards as the Irish.  Three interceptions and two fumbles derailed the Dame Train, and seemingly dashed their BCS-bowl hopes, yet Lou Holtz remains steadfast in predicting Notre Dame to a BCS game.  This is like the 5th straight year that decrepit clown has picked his beloved Irish to make a BCS bowl despite the fact they haven't sniffed a meaningful game since Brady Quinn was sniffing Lindy Slinger's soccer shorts.

This guy is a joke.  I'd rather hear Kim Kardashian make college football picks, at least her voice is slightly less irritating and her opinion is undoubtedly more valid than "Dr. Lou's." With as much talent as she's slept with, she should be a scout.  Back to the point, every time I hear Lou's lisp, I die a little bit inside.  If a cigarette takes 7 minutes off your life, hearing him speak has to be at least 3 times that.  If death had a retarded brother... Oh wait, it does: Lou Holtz.  Can you even imagine that old fogey as the head coach of the program you root for?  Even worse, playing for that dementia-ridden jester (no offense to Pathead.)?  But yeah, in case you didn't get the point, fuck that guy.

Okay, now that I've aired that out like Brantley into triple coverage, let's talk Fantasy Football.  Among my few passions in life are fantasy sports (yeah, it's that bad).  I have three teams this year, two of which I may or may not be illegally gambling on, so I'm heavily invested.  Instead of listing my rosters and in turn embarrassing fantasy owners across the globe (well, the 1 or 2 that look at my blog), I'll just post some criteria I look for in my fantasy footballers.

Number one criterion: They gots to keep it real.  I don't give a shit what they perform like if they're not mobbin' in the clubs and committing felonies during the rest of their spare time.  So, without further ado:

1.  Cedric Benson - The dude just got released from jail for his involvement in three bar fights in the past 9 months (or something like that), most recently fucking his boy Clavens Charles up royally. If shit goes down, I want Ceddy Ben on my side. Plus, in the off-chance that he reads this, he may show me favor rather than pummeling me like Tyson in his prime.

2.  Ben Roethlisberger - Let's be honest, the dude knows how to party.  How else do you garner the nickname "Rapelisberger"?  And considering his most recent rape-sesh went down in Georgia, he's probably a fan of the south, so he's got that going for him.  While your chances of landing consensual sex are probably considerably lower having hung out with Ben, your chances of drinking "like a champion" increase dramatically.

Today and everyday, Ben.

3.  Jay Cutler - As big of a douchebag as there is, Cut-Daddy (as I like to call him) keeps it real, fa' real.  As a four star quarterback in high school, Cutler decided to take his talents to Vandy, but not for the same reasons Bron went to Miami.  Rather the opposite, in fact.  He chose to slay ass and get a great education rather than compete for playing time and win meaningful games.  It would be a tough choice, but I think Cutty-cut (aka "Cut-Daddy") made the right decision.  He now starts at QB for the Chicago Bears and has dated the likes of Kristin Cavallari.  Not too shabby.

Which leads me into my second criterion: Hot wife/girlfriend.  Don't get me wrong, I like to win, but I would much rather sleep soundly at night knowing my starting QB is railing a 10.

1.  Jay Cutler - As discussed above, Cutler has been linked to former Laguna Beach star Kristin Cavallari.  The chick is banging hot, seems to have a good sense of humor, and is probably richer than Cutler.  While their recent break-up may seem to hurt Cutler's cred, to me it only seems to support my selection of Cutler in the "Keeps it Real" category.  With his drinking habits, he's sure to meet another blonde bombshell to bonk.  Look for him to bounce back nicely.

2.  Reggie Bush - The Reg (pronounced re-j, I think) only tags the finest tail...even if Ray J got there first.  Who cares though?  When we're talking about women the caliber of Kim K, Claudia Sampedro, and my personal favorite, country singer Jessie James (hopefully she's more talented than Kim), who cares who has run through them?  Every dude they've had sex with is better than you anyway.  Consider yourself lucky.  Anyway, Reggie is primed to smash more strange than ever as he leaves the N.O. for the vag buffet that is Miami.

3.  Aaron Rodgers - Rodgers has allegedly been dating Sports Illustrated supermodel Julie Henderson.  While that's awesome, it really doesn't matter who his current beat is considering he's a Super Bowl winning QB who could slam any piece of tail on the planet.  That makes Rodgers a sure bet for fantasy leagues.  Even if he and Henderson split, another dime-piece will be waiting in the wings.  Ala Greg Jennings to his Donald Driver, or James Starks to his Ryan Grant.  Someone will emerge, and Rodgers will score.

Alright, well that's all I got.

All Photos credited to Google image search.