Fireworks, Fantasy Football, and Fucking Lou Holtz

Well, as the Labor Day weekend hangover wears off and the billowing Boomsday smoke resides (that's got to be good for Knoxville's already incredibly shitty air quality), I'd like to focus on how big of a moron Lou Holtz is.  Seriously...  How the hell did this guy: 1) win a national championship, and 2) retain ANY credibility after committing major violation after major violation at both Notre Dame and South Carolina?  Okay, so I guess I answered number one, but the fact ESPN still allows him to spew (literally) rainbows up Notre Dame's ass every year is beyond me.



In this year's Irish Car Bomb Bowl--Notre Dame's first game of the season--the Fighting Irish (ranked 16th preseason) laid an egg so golden Veruca Salt is begging her daddy to buy Brian Kelly and Dayne Crist.  For real though... We thought back-to-back losses to Navy and Tulsa last year was bad, but this may take the cake.  As you probably already know, the University of South Florida Bulls (unranked), led by one of the most inconsistent QBs in the nation (BJ Daniels), marched into South Bend and left victorious despite gaining roughly half as many total yards as the Irish.  Three interceptions and two fumbles derailed the Dame Train, and seemingly dashed their BCS-bowl hopes, yet Lou Holtz remains steadfast in predicting Notre Dame to a BCS game.  This is like the 5th straight year that decrepit clown has picked his beloved Irish to make a BCS bowl despite the fact they haven't sniffed a meaningful game since Brady Quinn was sniffing Lindy Slinger's soccer shorts.

This guy is a joke.  I'd rather hear Kim Kardashian make college football picks, at least her voice is slightly less irritating and her opinion is undoubtedly more valid than "Dr. Lou's." With as much talent as she's slept with, she should be a scout.  Back to the point, every time I hear Lou's lisp, I die a little bit inside.  If a cigarette takes 7 minutes off your life, hearing him speak has to be at least 3 times that.  If death had a retarded brother... Oh wait, it does: Lou Holtz.  Can you even imagine that old fogey as the head coach of the program you root for?  Even worse, playing for that dementia-ridden jester (no offense to Pathead.)?  But yeah, in case you didn't get the point, fuck that guy.

Okay, now that I've aired that out like Brantley into triple coverage, let's talk Fantasy Football.  Among my few passions in life are fantasy sports (yeah, it's that bad).  I have three teams this year, two of which I may or may not be illegally gambling on, so I'm heavily invested.  Instead of listing my rosters and in turn embarrassing fantasy owners across the globe (well, the 1 or 2 that look at my blog), I'll just post some criteria I look for in my fantasy footballers.

Number one criterion: They gots to keep it real.  I don't give a shit what they perform like if they're not mobbin' in the clubs and committing felonies during the rest of their spare time.  So, without further ado:

1.  Cedric Benson - The dude just got released from jail for his involvement in three bar fights in the past 9 months (or something like that), most recently fucking his boy Clavens Charles up royally. If shit goes down, I want Ceddy Ben on my side. Plus, in the off-chance that he reads this, he may show me favor rather than pummeling me like Tyson in his prime.

2.  Ben Roethlisberger - Let's be honest, the dude knows how to party.  How else do you garner the nickname "Rapelisberger"?  And considering his most recent rape-sesh went down in Georgia, he's probably a fan of the south, so he's got that going for him.  While your chances of landing consensual sex are probably considerably lower having hung out with Ben, your chances of drinking "like a champion" increase dramatically.

Today and everyday, Ben.

3.  Jay Cutler - As big of a douchebag as there is, Cut-Daddy (as I like to call him) keeps it real, fa' real.  As a four star quarterback in high school, Cutler decided to take his talents to Vandy, but not for the same reasons Bron went to Miami.  Rather the opposite, in fact.  He chose to slay ass and get a great education rather than compete for playing time and win meaningful games.  It would be a tough choice, but I think Cutty-cut (aka "Cut-Daddy") made the right decision.  He now starts at QB for the Chicago Bears and has dated the likes of Kristin Cavallari.  Not too shabby.

Which leads me into my second criterion: Hot wife/girlfriend.  Don't get me wrong, I like to win, but I would much rather sleep soundly at night knowing my starting QB is railing a 10.

1.  Jay Cutler - As discussed above, Cutler has been linked to former Laguna Beach star Kristin Cavallari.  The chick is banging hot, seems to have a good sense of humor, and is probably richer than Cutler.  While their recent break-up may seem to hurt Cutler's cred, to me it only seems to support my selection of Cutler in the "Keeps it Real" category.  With his drinking habits, he's sure to meet another blonde bombshell to bonk.  Look for him to bounce back nicely.

2.  Reggie Bush - The Reg (pronounced re-j, I think) only tags the finest tail...even if Ray J got there first.  Who cares though?  When we're talking about women the caliber of Kim K, Claudia Sampedro, and my personal favorite, country singer Jessie James (hopefully she's more talented than Kim), who cares who has run through them?  Every dude they've had sex with is better than you anyway.  Consider yourself lucky.  Anyway, Reggie is primed to smash more strange than ever as he leaves the N.O. for the vag buffet that is Miami.

3.  Aaron Rodgers - Rodgers has allegedly been dating Sports Illustrated supermodel Julie Henderson.  While that's awesome, it really doesn't matter who his current beat is considering he's a Super Bowl winning QB who could slam any piece of tail on the planet.  That makes Rodgers a sure bet for fantasy leagues.  Even if he and Henderson split, another dime-piece will be waiting in the wings.  Ala Greg Jennings to his Donald Driver, or James Starks to his Ryan Grant.  Someone will emerge, and Rodgers will score.

Alright, well that's all I got.

All Photos credited to Google image search.