Seriously... Put down that insightful New York Times article on civil unrest in Libya, relieve yourself of any work related "responsibilities" the boss may have laid out for you and start thinking about how you can one-up all the 10-year-old pseudo-trick-or-treaters who come knocking at your door in this year's K-Mart Batman costumes.
While the options are limitless, there are three ways to tailor your search: 1) pick something that directly represents your character and/or interests -- a bold, fairly douchey method that requires close attention to detail, 2) pick something that does the exact opposite, or 3) throw some random shit together at the last minute.
Whatever route you choose, do it right, or not at all. Unlike that World History paper you turned in using size 20 font for punctuation... I'm pretty sure your professor could tell.
Anyway, I realize throwing something together at the last minute kind-of stands in the face of "do it right," but it can definitely be accomplished with the right blend of creativity and craftsmanship. All it takes is a little brain-storming -- or closet diving -- to come up with something serviceable.
Speaking of serviceable, if all else fails, create a costume designed to enhance your party experience.
For real... Carry around luggage filled with booze and tell people you're a traveler. If someone scoffs at that, you're a portable bar. If they scoff again, you're a smuggler during the prohibition era...with Samsonite luggage. It really doesn't matter, honestly. You've got a suitcase full of hard liquor to waste the night away. Party on.
Some other ideas, both thoughtful and makeshift, include:
Mayhem from the Allstate commercials
All you really need is a suit, some band-aids and a reckless abandon; maybe a few other features depending on which commercial you want to imitate. Either way, this costume automatically prepares you for a night of mayhem.
Good Guy Greg
If you don't know Good Guy Greg, he's a Meme icon championed for his righteous character in a world of Scumbag Steves. He doesn't steal, always pays his debts, shares chronic with his boys and he's one of the most empathetic listeners on the planet.
All you need to accomplish his look is a blue hoody, a buzzcut and a sly smile infused by a lit "J."
A Hobo
Let's be honest, everyone loves a good hobo. Dressing like one in Downtown Knoxville could also score you some sweet syrum stouter than Freddie Sutton's concoctions in The Master. Not to mention, all you need are some ratty-ass clothes, some combination of facial hair and a beanie and a sign that light-heartedly mocks your dire social and economic misfortune.
Oscar the Grouch
Apparently you just need glue and a bunch of weed. Or maybe just die your hair green and cut out the bottom of a metal trashcan. Voila. Grouch de Oscár.
Lanolin
Yes, like sheep's wool. Just cover yourself in the "yellow, waxy substance secreted by the sebaceous glands of wool-bearing animals" and call it a day. Maybe carry around some chapstick, too. Or just disregard this suggestion.
As for the ladies:
Roller Derby Girl
If you're going to dress like a skank on Halloween, which many will, at least be something unique or badass. Being a roller derby girl would be fun for you and everyone around you. You get to wear rollerskates all night and everyone around you gets to laugh when you bust ass trying to rollerskate out of the bar at 3AM.
Low-Class Prostitute
Okay, so I said if you're going to be a skank on Halloween be unique or badass... Well, this takes the slutty Halloween costume to a new level. You just need some shredded fish nets, shaky stilettos, teased hair and a metric shit-ton of poorly applied make-up. Used syringes would add to the authenticity.
High-Class Prostitute
Ok, so maybe there's a fine line between high-class and low-class prostitutes. Maybe you want to be an escort. It doesn't really matter. This costume allows you to show some skin whilst not looking homeless. You'll need some sort of evening gown or corset, jewelry, some fur maybe. I don't know that you'll exude "prostitute," but if that's what you're looking for, just go with the low-class look. I personally prefer the homeless look on Halloween, but to each his/her own.
Overly-Attached Girlfriend
Overly-Attached Girlfriend, like Good Guy Greg, is a meme. That's where the commonality ends. If you want to be the overly-attached girlfriend, just throw on a sorority tee and keep doing what you do.
So there you have it.
Anyway you spin it, those are nine -- well, at least four or five -- strong costume options. If you don't like my suggestions, give me some of your brilliant ideas. Or don't. Whatever you do, don't be the douche in his high school football uniform or the bimbo in a bunny costume, the shirtless tool toting a towel throwing surf's up signs or the tramp in a tube top with a tail. Don't be the asshole dressed in red saying you're a color or the ho wearing a slutty Cinderella costume (unless you're going to apply lanolin generously all over your body, then proceed, by all means).
Seriously, if you're too dull to come up with something unique, or lack the ability to be detail-oriented enough to at least resemble your favorite TV/Movie character (wearing a suit doesn't make you Ron Burgandy), just stay home.
Word.
