Balls of Brass: October 2011

Monday, October 17, 2011

Bullshit Championship Series

Ok, I'm finally going to rant about the BCS. It's been a long time coming, but after inevitably being forced into working on my neglected research project, I figured writing a blog would be more productive than actually putting time into my paper. So, without further ado, let's talk shit about the BCS.

Seriosuly though... The institution is fucked. The NCAA is dirtier than the shit underneath a hobo's fingernails, and the BCS is just an extension of that. Can anyone name a non-profit organization run by slimier scum than Bill Hancock? Or, a more relevant question: can anyone name a non-profit organization that has cooperating members who get shit on more than the "mid-major" schools? If this isn't about profit, why is there a $110 million TV deal to cover these enormously over-hyped BCS games? I understand the schools need to generate money, but when you say schools do you mean traditional powerhouses or are you actually talking about every Division 1-A school? Apparently it's the former, because since 2004 (when the BCS was allegedly "re-tooled" for the better of mid-majors) the revenue distribution hasn't even been close.

Conference    Millions of Dollars Avg. per Team (Assuming Equal Distribution)

ACC                           130,230,836                             10,983,324.30

Big 10                        158,778,450                             16,575,597.40

Big 12                        143,778,450                             14,434,404.50

Big East                     130,230,836                             11,981,537.50

Pac 10                        136,230,855                             13,623,085.50

SEC                           154,230,837                             12,852,569.80

Everyone Else 130,171,923                               2,469,386.11

For those without a caluclator (or too lazy to use your MacBook widget) that's $853,480,264 million to the Automatic Qualifiers and $130,171,923 million to non-Automatic Qualifiers. Yeah... While it's almost equally disturbing that the Big 10 has "earned" more BCS money than the SEC (especially considering the SEC has won the past five national championships and seven of thirteen since the BCS was spawned), the alienation of mid-majors in revenue distribution is pretty ridiculous, huh? Here's another chart, constructed by an economist named Dr. Richard Evans, showing how badly mid-major teams have gotten screwed since the inception of the BCS:

How can anyone say this is fair? Unless your definition of fair is handing out mushroom bruises to mid-majors, this is bullshit. I'm convinced Bill Hancock is the antichrist. Where's Dexter when you need him?

Monday, October 10, 2011

Tebow Time

No one is going to like this post, but it had to happen.

As you have probably already heard (considering ESPN is constantly either slobbing Tebow's knob or punching him in the balls, whatever trend is in), Tim Tebow replaced Kyle Orton to start the second half of Sunday's game, trailing the Chargers 23-10. His first three drives were lackluster, as he completed just 1 of 5 throws en route to two three and outs, but in true Tebow fashion, he persevered, capping off his fourth drive with a 12 yard touchdown run, bringing the Broncos within 9. After a rare defensive stand, Tebow went to work again, this time at the San Diego 49 yard line. After an impressive 8-yard scramble and a short Willis McGahee run, Tebow flipped a perfectly timed screen pass to Knowshon Moreno (or Ghostshon, as I like to call him) who took it 28 yards to the house (watch him just destroy Charger safety Steven Gregory at the 6 yard line), making it 24-26 with 3:30 left in the 4th quarter. After a failed two-point conversion, the Broncos needed just one more defensive stop. Instead, the Chargers drove down the field at will, finishing the drive with 3 points and leaving only 29 seconds for Tebow to manufacture a miracle. While that didn't happen, ee certainly wouldn't go out without some fireworks, including this incredible catch by Brandon Lloyd followed by a 31-yard pass to Daniel Fells, a spike, and a last-second heave.

Tebow finished 4-10 on the day, leaving much to be desired in terms of passing, but more importantly, he looked leaps and bounds better than Kyle Orton (6-13, 34 yards, 1 INT). In all, he accounted for 117 total yards and 2 touchdowns--the only offensive touchdowns scored by the Broncos. Watching the excitement number 15 brought to the crowd (and the Bronco offense) has to make you wonder why they didn't trade Orton in the off-season and give Tebow a shot to run this shoddy offense. Even if he's terrible, the results couldn't be much worse than the Broncos 1-4 record with Orton thus far. At least they would have an idea about whether a young, promising QB could actually pan out for them rather than throwing the same shit against the wall week after week hoping that it sticks. I mean, even if it does it's still shit, right?

It just doesn't make sense. I understand the knocks against Tim, but why not give the kid a shot? Look what he did in limited action last year. He had the highest QB Rating of any rookie quarterback (not the first time he's beaten Sam Bradford), threw for over 300 yards in a huge comeback win over the Texans, accounted for over 300 yards (94 rushing) and 3 touchdowns against the number 1 defense in the NFL (San Diego), and most of all, brought some excitement to an organization that has been reeling since Elway hung 'em up. He may not be the best candidate for the future, but he's sure as hell (er, heaven--sorry, Tim) the best candidate for the present.

He gives the hopeless Broncos hope, and in that sense, I guess he is kind-of like Jesus.

Anyway, time to go brush my teeth. There may be more of this to come (pardon the pun) if Tebow keeps running shit, but for now, and in honor of Timmy T, I'll leave you with a "God bless" and some pics/video from the game.

Per ESPN.com

Per Denverpost.com... This pretty much says it all.

Just sick.

ESPN.com


ESPN.com

One more time, in case you missed it

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Sweet Baby Jesus... Vegas.

Finally shaking off the Vegas hangover, so I guess I'll give my thoughts on Sin City.

Avoid it like the plague.

Let me rephrase that: If you don't have at least 10 stacks ($10,000 USD) you would happily put into a paper shredder, Vegas isn't the city for you.

Maybe I'm exaggerating, but fun in Sin City certainly isn't cheap. And by fun I mean misery.

Maybe we fucked up (okay, we definitely fucked up). Maybe not hangover bad, but between four college students we managed to squander over 5 grand. Yeah, that's an average of a thousand a day. The sad part is, we didn't even have money to lose the last two days. It was literally all we could do to get home.

That being said, Vegas is exciting. Aaaand by exciting I mean dirtier than a 2 cent hooker with more STD's than brain cells.

From the moment you arrive a haze of sex and debauchery hits you like a Charles Barkley tee shot. Sounds great, right? Not really. Most of your time on the streets is spent fending off hoards of illegal immigrants armed with stacks of call girl cards as tall as the MGM Grand. If you manage to ignore that aspect, you'll still be confronted by the sleaziest, slimiest club promoters on the planet promising sex and grandeur at their shit strip club filled with more c-section scars than ass cheeks (don't ask me how it's possible--it just is).

I'm sure you're asking, "But it's Vegas! There had to be some redeeming qualities, right?"

The answer? Not really. Unless by redeeming you mean unbelievably disappointing, and in that case, yes. There were plenty of "redeeming" qualities.

The Pawn Stars pawn shop, for instance. You know, the trendy show about a family owned Vegas pawn shop where ridiculously rare and valuable, as well as just plain ridiculous, items are brought in and sold by your everyday street walker? Yeah. That place blows. There never fails to be 80 or so Pawn Stars fan boys (well, mostly old women) waiting in line to get into the crackerjack box sized store only to realize the coolest shit in there is a t-shirt depicting Chumlee as Scarface (That one is actually a lot funnier--and cheaper--than the legit version. You're welcome.). They only had like three items from the show in the store, and needless to say, none of those sandbagging pawn star bastards were anywhere to be found. Fuckers.

Taken by yours truly.

In all seriousness, though, Vegas was a decently cool experience. If nothing else, it was worth seeing. I guess the biggest problem I had with it was that from the second you arrived you just felt like a sucker. Like you were had. So you can imagine what we felt like by the end of the trip. Probably a good bit like Allen when he realized the drugs he bought from the straight shooter at the liquor store were roofies instead of ecstasy. Definitely not what I expected.

The drug dealer at the liquor store wasn't a good guy

Anyway, without further ado, I'll reluctantly post my pictures from the trip. I say reluctantly because the pictures make it seem 1000 times better than the reality of it. Oh well.