Halloween Costumes

With halloween just three short weeks away, I know the only thing most responsible adults are worried about is their costume.  This shit is coming up fast, and if you still don't have a clue what kind of ghoul, ghost, goblin or random TV/movie character you'll portray this year, it's time to put your nose to the grindstone.

Seriously... Put down that insightful New York Times article on civil unrest in Libya, relieve yourself of any work related "responsibilities" the boss may have laid out for you and start thinking about how you can one-up all the 10-year-old pseudo-trick-or-treaters who come knocking at your door in this year's K-Mart Batman costumes.

While the options are limitless, there are three ways to tailor your search: 1) pick something that directly represents your character and/or interests -- a bold, fairly douchey method that requires close attention to detail, 2) pick something that does the exact opposite, or 3) throw some random shit together at the last minute.

Whatever route you choose, do it right, or not at all.  Unlike that World History paper you turned in using size 20 font for punctuation...  I'm pretty sure your professor could tell.

Anyway, I realize throwing something together at the last minute kind-of stands in the face of "do it right," but it can definitely be accomplished with the right blend of creativity and craftsmanship.  All it takes is a little brain-storming -- or closet diving -- to come up with something serviceable.

Speaking of serviceable, if all else fails, create a costume designed to enhance your party experience.

For real... Carry around luggage filled with booze and tell people you're a traveler.  If someone scoffs at that, you're a portable bar.  If they scoff again, you're a smuggler during the prohibition era...with Samsonite luggage.  It really doesn't matter, honestly.  You've got a suitcase full of hard liquor to waste the night away.  Party on.

Some other ideas, both thoughtful and makeshift, include:

Mayhem from the Allstate commercials



All you really need is a suit, some band-aids and a reckless abandon; maybe a few other features depending on which commercial you want to imitate.  Either way, this costume automatically prepares you for a night of mayhem.

Good Guy Greg



If you don't know Good Guy Greg, he's a Meme icon championed for his righteous character in a world of Scumbag Steves.  He doesn't steal, always pays his debts, shares chronic with his boys and he's one of the most empathetic listeners on the planet.

All you need to accomplish his look is a blue hoody, a buzzcut and a sly smile infused by a lit "J."

A Hobo



Let's be honest, everyone loves a good hobo.  Dressing like one in Downtown Knoxville could also score you some sweet syrum stouter than Freddie Sutton's concoctions in The Master.  Not to mention, all you need are some ratty-ass clothes, some combination of facial hair and a beanie and a sign that light-heartedly mocks your dire social and economic misfortune.

Oscar the Grouch




Apparently you just need glue and a bunch of weed.  Or maybe just die your hair green and cut out the bottom of a metal trashcan.  Voila.  Grouch de Oscár.

Lanolin



Yes, like sheep's wool.  Just cover yourself in the "yellow, waxy substance secreted by the sebaceous glands of wool-bearing animals" and call it a day.  Maybe carry around some chapstick, too.  Or just disregard this suggestion.

As for the ladies:

Roller Derby Girl



If you're going to dress like a skank on Halloween, which many will, at least be something unique or badass.  Being a roller derby girl would be fun for you and everyone around you.  You get to wear rollerskates all night and everyone around you gets to laugh when you bust ass trying to rollerskate out of the bar at 3AM.

Low-Class Prostitute



Okay, so I said if you're going to be a skank on Halloween be unique or badass... Well, this takes the slutty Halloween costume to a new level.  You just need some shredded fish nets, shaky stilettos, teased hair and a metric shit-ton of poorly applied make-up.  Used syringes would add to the authenticity.

High-Class Prostitute



Ok, so maybe there's a fine line between high-class and low-class prostitutes.  Maybe you want to be an escort.  It doesn't really matter.  This costume allows you to show some skin whilst not looking homeless.  You'll need some sort of evening gown or corset, jewelry, some fur maybe.  I don't know that you'll exude "prostitute," but if that's what you're looking for, just go with the low-class look.  I personally prefer the homeless look on Halloween, but to each his/her own.

Overly-Attached Girlfriend



Overly-Attached Girlfriend, like Good Guy Greg, is a meme.  That's where the commonality ends.  If you want to be the overly-attached girlfriend, just throw on a sorority tee and keep doing what you do.

So there you have it.

Anyway you spin it, those are nine -- well, at least four or five -- strong costume options.  If you don't like my suggestions, give me some of your brilliant ideas.  Or don't.  Whatever you do, don't be the douche in his high school football uniform or the bimbo in a bunny costume, the shirtless tool toting a towel throwing surf's up signs or the tramp in a tube top with a tail.  Don't be the asshole dressed in red saying you're a color or the ho wearing a slutty Cinderella costume (unless you're going to apply lanolin generously all over your body, then proceed, by all means).

Seriously, if you're too dull to come up with something unique, or lack the ability to be detail-oriented enough to at least resemble your favorite TV/Movie character (wearing a suit doesn't make you Ron Burgandy), just stay home.

Word.

Bowl Season is Here

And the BCS still blows.

It's never been more apparent that college football needs a playoff. The Mythical National Championship is a rematch that includes a team that didn't even win their conference, for Christ's sake. The rest of the BCS games include the Sugar Bowl featuring two teams ranked outside the top ten that either got annihilated in or didn't play for their conference championship (Tech and Michigan), the Rose Bowl featuring a team who should of, at most, split their conference title (Wisconsin), and the Fiesta Bowl with a team who finished second in their conference (Stanford) playing an Okie State team that should probably be playing for the title (not saying they're better, but they deserve the chance to play LSU). It's awful. While I personally think Bama and LSU are the best teams, there's no way we'll ever know because OSU will never play LSU (...for the championship this season, anyway).

Meanwhile, Boise State, ranked 7th, is going to the MAACO Las Vegas Bowl, 10-2 TCU is playing int he Poinsettia Bowl, Arkansas and K-State (which should be the Sugar Bowl match-up) are featured in the Cotton Bowl, and the No. 9 team in the nation (South Carolina) is playing in the Capital One Bowl. While the BCS has shown strong favoritism toward the SEC in prior years, this year they screwed us like a Taiwanese prostitute. How is it that the 6th, 7th, 8th, and 9th ranked teams all got left out of the BCS? How is it not clear that the system is incredibly flawed and only works when there is an equal distribution of competition in the field? Imagine for a second that we had a playoff this season. Let's say it was an Aussie Rules Playoff, my personal favorite.

First of all, an Aussie Rules bracket would look like this:

No. 1 vs. No. 4
No. 2 vs. No. 3
No. 5 vs. No. 8
No. 6 vs. No. 7

The bottom two match-ups are elimination games. The winner of those games moves on to challenge the losers of 1v2 and 3v4, while the winners of the 1v2 and 3v4 match-ups get a week 3 bye. Furthermore, the highest ranked loser plays the lowest ranked winner.   From there it plays out like a 4 team playoff.  More importantly, there are NO rematches.  Here's how it could potentially go down:

Round 1
(1) LSU vs. (4) Stanford
(2) Alabama vs. (3) Okie State (that would settle the debate now, wouldn't it?)
(5) Oregon vs. (8) Kansas State
(6) Arkansas vs. (7) Boise State

Could anyone complain about those match-ups?  I think it would be hard to argue that these aren't the best teams in the nation.  Let them play and see what happens.  Don't dictate based on revenue production.  That's all the BCS is about, and it is ruining college football.  Take a look at this chart from my research paper on the antitrust issues surrounding the BCS:

BCS Revenue Distributed 2004-2005 through 2010-2011:	$1,021,673,349
Non-BCS Revenue Distributed 2004-2005 through 2010-2011:	$537,337,593
Total NCAA Revenue Distributed:	$1,559,010,942
BCS Revenue as a Percentage of Total Revenue Distributed:	65.53%

How can this be allowed?  65 percent of postseason revenue goes to BCS Bowl participants.  When there have only been 7 mid-major appearances since its inception, that's a problem.  Mid-majors are already second rate in terms of recruiting and marketing abilities, giving top tier conferences more and more money each year only furthers that disparity and creates an uneven playing field.  Something needs to be done.  Hopefully this year's debacle will help. 

MUSIC IS POWER

Yeah, really cheesy title.  I know, but it got you to read this so maybe you're cheesy. Or maybe I'm just talking smack to my non-existent following. Either way, read on.

I realize I haven't addressed the Penn State scandal, but I don't know what to say about it that hasn't already been said.  It's disturbing, disgusting, and disappointing, but no amount of commentary is going to make it better.  I'd rather just let the legal proceedings play out, hope those scumbags get what they deserve, and let the talking heads worry about how to spin it.

That being said, I want to talk music, because as you may already know, three great albums are out: Ambition by Wale, Take Care by Drake and Camp by Childish Gambino.  Unfortunately for Drake, his album leaked a couple of weeks early after he initially pushed the drop date back from October 24th to November 15th.  As for Childish, he has allowed NPR to stream his entire album until the November 15th release date, which is pure awesome.  Wale's album dropped November 1st and has been in my deck constantly since.

These are three of my favorite artists, so having their new CDs drop (or leak) within a week of each other made me happier than the first time I saw Kelly Kapowski (okay, that was actually a monumental day in my life, so I guess this kind of pales in comparison, but you get the idea).

I'm honestly too busy to be doing this right now (I consider this a productive form of procrastination), but I'm at least going to give you a rundown of my three favorite songs from Wale's "Ambition."  I'll try to come back with a review of Drake and Gambino when the semester is over (in other words, a month late, after you've already heard and drawn conclusions about the CDs, ha...).

That being said, here goes nothin'...

I'm really impressed with Wale's second album.  While the track list is headlined by "Lotus Flower Bomb" featuring Miguel and "Focused" featuring Kid Cudi (the two released singles from the LP), the rest of the album is arguably more impressive.  The album incorporates aspects of Wale's road to success in conjunction with the club bangers and philosophical tracks for which he's well-known. 

The opening track, "Don't Hold The Applause," incorporates a smooth piano beat, vibrant kick drums and an uplifting vocal refrain as a background to Wale's buttery flow.  Lyrically, he touches on his accomplishments, including his GQ Man of the Year award for being a "gangsta killer" (a killer of the gangster stigma that has surrounded hip-hop for so long), but also strides he's taken personally such as letting his "wisdom increase" and counting his blessings, realizing fame and fortune shouldn't to be taken for granted--a theme that prevails throughout the album.  This track emanates the notion of "ambition" perfectly, insisting that hard work should be and will be rewarded, one just needs to have a little patience.



My second favorite installation on the album is the title track, "Ambition," featuring Meek Mill and Rick Ross.  It's hip-hop at its finest, in my opinion.  I love the concept behind this because new rap has strayed so far from rap's original "ambition," if you will.  The inclusion of Meek Mill, an underground rapper who hasn't strayed from his roots, epitomizes this.  The beat sets the mood, slow and methodical like the rappers' journeys into fame.  The almost "music-box" like piano blends beautifully with the enigmatic sound effects and faint, but noticeable, strings that set the sound stage as Wale delivers a few slam poetry type bars.

Meek Mill takes the first verse, charting his route to fame, documenting his prior struggles as well as those he still goes through trying to make it from underground to the mainstream.  Wale's chorus follows, ringing through your speakers.  It's not a catchy, "look at me" hook; it just states the theme of the track simply and poetically.  Rick Ross come in next, and while I was skeptical, his voice works perfectly with the track.  It's impressive to hear him take a step back from Maybachs and yachts to deliver a soulful verse.  After Ross, the beat breaks into a soulful piano riff, dismissing the kick drums and strings as Wale takes the microphone.  As his verse builds, so does the beat, bringing back the previous aspects as Wale delivers a metaphor-filled philosophical verse.

Needless to say, I'm pretty impressed with this track.  Give it a listen.



The last track I want to share is "DC or Nothing."  I just love the mood of this track.  It's another string-featured beat, incorporating the violin and electric guitar in addition to a perfectly synthesized choral riff.  The opening violin riff lends a nostalgic feels and is accompanied by the choral chant as well as Wale's seemingly signature poetic intro.

As the beat drops, Wale begins his flow, escorted by the electric guitar.  The song is more or less a tribute to DC, so while I'm not sure I'm the target audience, the special sentiment toward his hometown is certainly not lost by me.  He addresses his position as DC's rap ambassador while reminiscing on the issues, both personal and political, he endured while growing up in the nation's capital. 

I can't for the life of me figure out who sings the chorus (and by "for the life of me" I mean I don't want to go to my car and get the album cover), but I like it.  It sounds like Pink, but she would surely be featured, so I'm clueless.  Regardless, her/his voice sounds almost like a blend of the violin and guitar riffs, meshing perfectly with the feel of the track.

The fact Wale includes an intro, three verses, all equally passionate, shows his not only his love for his city, but his love for the personal that it made him.  Once again, this song complies perfectly with the theme of Ambit



Alright, that's all I've got for now. Like I said, I'll try to come back with a "Take Care" and "Camp" review in the next couple of weeks. In the meantime, I'm gonna get my ass kicked by my BCS paper and final exams. Word.

Bullshit Championship Series

Ok, I'm finally going to rant about the BCS. It's been a long time coming, but after inevitably being forced into working on my neglected research project, I figured writing a blog would be more productive than actually putting time into my paper. So, without further ado, let's talk shit about the BCS.

Seriosuly though... The institution is fucked. The NCAA is dirtier than the shit underneath a hobo's fingernails, and the BCS is just an extension of that. Can anyone name a non-profit organization run by slimier scum than Bill Hancock? Or, a more relevant question: can anyone name a non-profit organization that has cooperating members who get shit on more than the "mid-major" schools? If this isn't about profit, why is there a $110 million TV deal to cover these enormously over-hyped BCS games? I understand the schools need to generate money, but when you say schools do you mean traditional powerhouses or are you actually talking about every Division 1-A school? Apparently it's the former, because since 2004 (when the BCS was allegedly "re-tooled" for the better of mid-majors) the revenue distribution hasn't even been close.

Conference            Millions of Dollars             Avg. per Team (Assuming Equal Distribution)

ACC                           130,230,836                             10,983,324.30

Big 10                        158,778,450                             16,575,597.40

Big 12                        143,778,450                             14,434,404.50

Big East                     130,230,836                             11,981,537.50

Pac 10                        136,230,855                             13,623,085.50

SEC                           154,230,837                             12,852,569.80

Everyone Else           130,171,923                               2,469,386.11


For those without a caluclator (or too lazy to use your MacBook widget) that's $853,480,264 million to the Automatic Qualifiers and $130,171,923 million to non-Automatic Qualifiers. Yeah... While it's almost equally disturbing that the Big 10 has "earned" more BCS money than the SEC (especially considering the SEC has won the past five national championships and seven of thirteen since the BCS was spawned), the alienation of mid-majors in revenue distribution is pretty ridiculous, huh?  Here's another chart, constructed by an economist named Dr. Richard Evans, showing how badly mid-major teams have gotten screwed since the inception of the BCS:




How can anyone say this is fair?  Unless your definition of fair is handing out mushroom bruises to mid-majors, this is bullshit.  I'm convinced Bill Hancock is the antichrist.  Where's Dexter when you need him?

Tebow Time

No one is going to like this post, but it had to happen.

As you have probably already heard (considering ESPN is constantly either slobbing Tebow's knob or punching him in the balls, whatever trend is in), Tim Tebow replaced Kyle Orton to start the second half of Sunday's game, trailing the Chargers 23-10.  His first three drives were lackluster, as he completed just 1 of 5 throws en route to two three and outs, but in true Tebow fashion, he persevered, capping off his fourth drive with a 12 yard touchdown run, bringing the Broncos within 9.  After a rare defensive stand, Tebow went to work again, this time at the San Diego 49 yard line.  After an impressive 8-yard scramble and a short Willis McGahee run, Tebow flipped a perfectly timed screen pass to Knowshon Moreno (or Ghostshon, as I like to call him) who took it 28 yards to the house (watch him just destroy Charger safety Steven Gregory at the 6 yard line), making it 24-26 with 3:30 left in the 4th quarter.  After a failed two-point conversion, the Broncos needed just one more defensive stop.  Instead, the Chargers drove down the field at will, finishing the drive with 3 points and leaving only 29 seconds for Tebow to manufacture a miracle.  While that didn't happen, ee certainly wouldn't go out without some fireworks, including this incredible catch by Brandon Lloyd followed by a 31-yard pass to Daniel Fells, a spike, and a last-second heave.

Tebow finished 4-10 on the day, leaving much to be desired in terms of passing, but more importantly, he looked leaps and bounds better than Kyle Orton (6-13, 34 yards, 1 INT).  In all, he accounted for 117 total yards and 2 touchdowns--the only offensive touchdowns scored by the Broncos.  Watching the excitement number 15 brought to the crowd (and the Bronco offense) has to make you wonder why they didn't trade Orton in the off-season and give Tebow a shot to run this shoddy offense.  Even if he's terrible, the results couldn't be much worse than the Broncos 1-4 record with Orton thus far.  At least they would have an idea about whether a young, promising QB could actually pan out for them rather than throwing the same shit against the wall week after week hoping that it sticks.  I mean, even if it does it's still shit, right?

It just doesn't make sense.  I understand the knocks against Tim, but why not give the kid a shot?  Look what he did in limited action last year.  He had the highest QB Rating of any rookie quarterback (not the first time he's beaten Sam Bradford), threw for over 300 yards in a huge comeback win over the Texans, accounted for over 300 yards (94 rushing) and 3 touchdowns against the number 1 defense in the NFL (San Diego), and most of all, brought some excitement to an organization that has been reeling since Elway hung 'em up.  He may not be the best candidate for the future, but he's sure as hell (er, heaven--sorry, Tim) the best candidate for the present.

He gives the hopeless Broncos hope, and in that sense, I guess he is kind-of like Jesus.

Anyway, time to go brush my teeth.  There may be more of this to come (pardon the pun) if Tebow keeps running shit, but for now, and in honor of Timmy T, I'll leave you with a "God bless" and some pics/video from the game.

Per ESPN.com

Per Denverpost.com... This pretty much says it all.

Just sick.

ESPN.com

ESPN.com

One more time, in case you missed it

Sweet Baby Jesus... Vegas.

Finally shaking off the Vegas hangover, so I guess I'll give my thoughts on Sin City.

Avoid it like the plague.

Let me rephrase that:  If you don't have at least 10 stacks ($10,000 USD) you would happily put into a paper shredder, Vegas isn't the city for you.

Maybe I'm exaggerating, but fun in Sin City certainly isn't cheap.  And by fun I mean misery. 

Maybe we fucked up (okay, we definitely fucked up).  Maybe not hangover bad, but between four college students we managed to squander over 5 grand.  Yeah, that's an average of a thousand a day. The sad part is, we didn't even have money to lose the last two days. It was literally all we could do to get home.

That being said, Vegas is exciting.  Aaaand by exciting I mean dirtier than a 2 cent hooker with more STD's than brain cells.

From the moment you arrive a haze of sex and debauchery hits you like a Charles Barkley tee shot. Sounds great, right?  Not really.  Most of your time on the streets is spent fending off hoards of illegal immigrants armed with stacks of call girl cards as tall as the MGM Grand.  If you manage to ignore that aspect, you'll still be confronted by the sleaziest, slimiest club promoters on the planet promising sex and grandeur at their shit strip club filled with more c-section scars than ass cheeks (don't ask me how it's possible--it just is).

I'm sure you're asking, "But it's Vegas! There had to be some redeeming qualities, right?"

The answer? Not really. Unless by redeeming you mean unbelievably disappointing, and in that case, yes. There were plenty of "redeeming" qualities.

The Pawn Stars pawn shop, for instance.  You know, the trendy show about a family owned Vegas pawn shop where ridiculously rare and valuable, as well as just plain ridiculous, items are brought in and sold by your everyday street walker?  Yeah.  That place blows.  There never fails to be 80 or so Pawn Stars fan boys (well, mostly old women) waiting in line to get into the crackerjack box sized store only to realize the coolest shit in there is a t-shirt depicting Chumlee as Scarface (That one is actually a lot funnier--and cheaper--than the legit version. You're welcome.).  They only had like three items from the show in the store, and needless to say, none of those sandbagging pawn star bastards were anywhere to be found.  Fuckers.

Taken by yours truly.

In all seriousness, though, Vegas was a decently cool experience.  If nothing else, it was worth seeing.  I guess the biggest problem I had with it was that from the second you arrived you just felt like a sucker.  Like you were had.  So you can imagine what we felt like by the end of the trip.  Probably a good bit like Allen when he realized the drugs he bought from the straight shooter at the liquor store were roofies instead of ecstasy.  Definitely not what I expected.


The drug dealer at the liquor store wasn't a good guy


Anyway, without further ado, I'll reluctantly post my pictures from the trip.  I say reluctantly because the pictures make it seem 1000 times better than the reality of it.  Oh well.

At least we arrived in class...

Bellagio

Donald Trump by Mac Miller fittingly playing in the background.

Eiffel Tower Restaurant

"I know you probably get this all the time, but... is this the real Caesar's Palace?"

Hotel Paris

New York, New York

New York, New York Casino

Arias

Why hello, Mr. Poppageorgio.  Welcome to the Golden Nugget.

I guess what happens in Vegas doesn't necessarily stay in Vegas. Just your money and your soul.

Fall Break

Welp, I'm heading to Vegas for fall break, running around the desert looking for strippers and cocaine. But seriously, my upcoming trip and my generally pessimistic nature got me thinking about the worst things that could happen.  Who knows, maybe if I air them out, they can be avoided?  Or maybe I've just called upon a shitstorm from the cosmic universe.  We'll hope for the prior.  Anyway, the show must go on.  Here's what I came up with:

1.  The airport mistakes my bag with an Elvis impersonator's, forcing me to dress like Nick Cage in "Honeymoon in Vegas" all week.  Then again, I'm not sure what would be worse, dressing like Elvis or falling in love with a woman who looks like a foot (or maybe a horse).

On second thought, I'll rock the shit out of an Elvis suit.

2.  My face looks like this at any point.  Needless to say, if I'm balls deep in mescaline, something has gone horribly wrong...or right depending on how you view the situation.  Either way, here's to hoping there's no fear and loathing in Las Vegas.  Seriously, I'd rather wake up married to a hooker than to spend my weekend "right in the middle of a fucking reptile zoo," watching "two women fucking a polar bear."  Thanks for quotes, Johnny Depp, but I'll play Toby Maguire's role in this one.

Is this before the spider bite, or...?

3.  My friend's fiancee's brother roofies everyone, leading to a night of debauchery in which one of us marries a hooker, we steal a cop car, kidnap a naked asian, steal Mike Tyson's tiger, lose our bestfriend, and nearly miss the big wedding.  Oh...right... That's the plot of The Hangover... This is awkward.

Mr. Burgundy, you have a massive erection.

Anyway, that's all I got.  I guess there's no better way to finish this off than with another Fear and Loathing quote, so...

"You better take care of me, Lord. If you don't, you're gonna have me on your hands."

Addendum 1: How is it that I get a picture of this when searching "Zack Galifianakis peeing in Tyson's pool"? (The only reason a searched it was to link with stealing Tyson's tiger... I swear.)

Addendum 2: More pictures of Sarah Jessica Parker looking like a foot.

Money.

Fucking identical!

Alright! Have a good one, guys. Hopefully you'll hear from me after Vegas, but I can't promise anything...



Vegas!